Recovering Co-dependent

I'm a recovering co-dependent.

That was by far the most honest, vulnerable and the scariest sentence I've ever released to the public. It's not a general statement. It is very personal. I've never said it aloud. Even as I'm writing this, I'm questioning my over-sharing. I'm channeling courage in this very moment to release an important piece of myself in an attempt to help someone else.

Many of us are looking to be saved. Without realizing how dependent we are, we look to others around us to validate us. Personally, I battled this for the majority of my adult life. At a certain point I was able to recognize the codependency within, but did not feel there was much that could be done about it. It wasn't until recently that I decided that I no longer wanted to depend on others to feel good about myself. This was a life changing decision.

As an intelligent, out spoken and fairly attractive woman, I have never had an issue attracting a mate or partner.  I found myself in relationship after relationship looking for something that I would never find. I didn't know this then, but I was looking for answers. I was looking to feel good about myself. To be told I was good enough, that I was worth it and that the unfortunate experiences of my childhood did not determine who I was going to be as an adult woman. I told myself these things daily but I didn't believe my own words. What I was looking for in these encounters with my partners was discovered much later. I was looking to be saved in a sense. Saved from my past and saved from myself.

No one can wash away the pain you have endured. No one can release the garbage that has piled up inside of you just by loving you. There is no love that is great enough without self-love. We all want to be loved and accepted. The truth is, we must do the work to love and accept ourselves if we even want a chance at receiving and appreciating this from others. We enter relationships (both romantic and platonic) seeking to be paired up with someone that just gets it. Sometimes we are successful and we will meet someone that gets us. But if we haven't done the work on ourselves, what they are getting from us, may be less than they deserve. Or perhaps, we may be staring at a reflection of ourselves at someone that also has work to do.

So what work have I done? In addition to writing my first book filled with positive statements to download each day, I have also been to therapy. What I've learned there, is that piling the good without ever releasing the bad is like spraying air freshener at a dumpster site. It's only briefly masking the root cause. So every day I do the work. I write about the scary things. I speak about them. I confront them. I look myself in the mirror and decide that I am going to be the best person I know how to be despite the mood I am in that may be telling me to withdraw. I am choosing to have a voice. Release any guilt or shame I have for circumstances I couldn't control. Forgive myself for those I did have control over.

Most importantly, I am working on forgive others that hurt me. This is much easier said than done. It all is a CONSTANT and CONTINUOUS work in progress.

Another important thing I am doing is, I am spending time alone. I had to teach myself to like myself before loving myself was even an option. I am for the first time in my life enjoying my own company. I have found solace in my solitude. I enjoy being alone and working out, reading, listening to podcasts, or even just running errands. This is something that's foreign to me. I am not in constant need of company. I love my friends dearly, and I want them around when I am around them. But when I am alone, I am not sad about it. I actually look forward to getting home, lighting candles, running a nice bubble bath and pouring a glass of wine or a cup of tea. Though this may sound simple and even boring to many, to someone that is a recovering codependent, this is a huge step in self-discovery.

Additionally, I have decided that I will not enter another romantic committed relationship any time soon. This has posed challenges and I don't assume they will get easier, as I am still dating and spending quality time with someone I care about. I believe my journey to self-discovery is crucial to my identity. I need to get to know myself and that means I need to be committed to no one other than myself. I need to be in a relationship with me, as I've never truly been committed to all aspects of my development. Sure I've worked hard in school and then in my corporate career. Sure I've sharpened my artistic skills and have been blessed with the ability to create and the drive to push through hardships and uncertainty to share my work.

When it comes to self-care however, I have quite a bit of work to do. I have realized that despite the strength that I have had to acquire, I have still been searching for a hero.

I am now working to become my own.

Homework: Write a letter to anyone that's ever hurt you.

NOTE: Write the letter whether they are deceased or living. You do not have to send them if you do not want to.

Get every detail down about what they did to you and how they made you feel. Candidly describe their actions and what they have taken from you. Talk about the state of mind you are in as a result and reveal anything you may now be lacking. Get it all out and then do the hardest thing. Promise to forgive them. Not necessarily right away or not because they even deserve it. Work on it daily until it becomes your truth. Do it because you deserve to be liberated. Do it because you deserve to be open to receiving love and capable of giving it. Do it because you deserve to love and be loved by YOU!